SABOTAGE (2014)
In Sabotage, Big Schwarzie and the girl I LOVED in the U.S. tv version of The Killing use their U.S. government enforcement personnel roles to kill people and steal millions of dollars from some South Americans. Let’s just say that I LOVED Mireille Enos in the tv show and seeing her here was a really greasy Dairy Queen shit on her and I have no idea why she did this. She’s WAY too fucking small and feeble to be in an action movie role like this and her character was really pretty stupid. I know it sounds like I’m Shitfesting on this but – while I didn’t love it – I thought it was all right but Big Schwarzie kind of has a lifelong Hall Pass with me. I fully recognize the movie will be considered shit by some people but here….. *shrugs*
SO I give this a shrug and a Two Top Hats but I don’t think it’s Big Schwarzie’s fault. I don’t know if it was the movie production company or the casting agency but man was Enos wrong for this. I’m not sure how tall she is but she comes across about as menacing as the Paper Clip Help Guy from early versions of Microsoft Excel and she’s very important to the plot… Also – I don’t have a vendetta against Sam Worthington or anything but I also don’t get his appeal to showcase in a bunch of movies. I liked him in Texas Killing Fields but other than that I could care less, really. Anyway – my friend Khalid hated this but I thought it was decent enough – something to watch where you don’t have to spend any money….
RUN ALL NIGHT (2015)
In Run all Night, haggard and old Liam Neeson continues his incessant run of playing a haggard and old ex-cop this time bringing the dude who slurs all of his words from The Killing down with him. I watched this a few months ago and it was so forgettable I’ve actually forgotten what it’s about other than Slurboy is Neeson’s kid and Neeson has to get him back from some gangster no matter what the cost. Even if he has to speak gravelly into a cell phone or GASP a PAY PHONE!! and issue threats. Then punch some people with his aged, Irish fists. KAPOW! SOCK!! KABAM!! BEGORRAH!!!
The only thing I really remember that really stood out was this one scene:
Neeson: Boy, I need you to get into character, this is a pivotal scene for me.
Robocop 2014: Yo, saaaaay whaaaaaaaaat, daaaaaaaaawg?
Neeson: Why do you talk like that? Speak like a Proper White Englishman.
Robocop 2014: Yo, sup. This is ma CHARACTER man. This sets me APART yo! This is ma SIGNATURE!
Neeson whips out his giant cock: You sound like a god damned fool is what it is. Talk properly or I’ll ball the shit out of your ass with my giant Irish cock!
Robocop takes a look at that massive thing and makes this face:
Then Robocop 2014 says: “YO WAZ UP MY DAWG?? I THROWIN DOWN IN THIS HIZ! YO!! SUP SUP!!” and drops his saggy pants to the ground.
The scene ends in a fade out with Neeson pounding away at him over a men’s bathroom urinal in Queens NY.
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And that is your latest from the Half Ass Reviews division of THE IPC!
Want to be a member of the Half Ass Reviews Department of THE IPC??? Let me know in the comments or email me at ei@theipc.me
